why not?

there is a poster on my wall of cafe terrace by van gogh. i had never really looked at it before until today. i was laying on my bed and staring blankly at it. the painting would have been pitch dark, if not for the glowing stars above and the gaudy yellow light spilling out of the cafe’s windows and from a burning lamp hanging in front. the stones and pebbles on the ground shine because the cafe shines. and i will never witness that moment with my own eyes.

grace shim is… so sad about her insecurities and wonders why she can’t get over them.

i never ever write about my day! so today i will :O

i woke up in the morning and rushed to school to finish my lab after swallowing my mvi pill, completely forgetting that it makes me sooo hungry. or maybe i’m just naturally always hungry and haven’t really noticed it until now. anyways, met up with the namj and had spicy tuna sushi for breakfast :O nice right?! but my breath was kicking in philosophy, which i was late for. maybe that’s why i didn’t understand what was going on. it’s such a horrible feeling – not knowing what’s going on around you. my professor was talking about the soul and its acts and potencies, and was getting all detailed and into it…

theology was better, though. wifall is so funny in his own little way, if you think about it. how he loves the jews and hates bush, how he does his funny dry chuckle and has a hole in his neck. james does an amazing impersonation of his laugh. ahahha. anyway. went to lab. lab prof wasn’t there, but we had ishwar as a sub! our lab today seemed like it was the longest lab in the world… we had to wait 20 mns for the mixture to… mix…. and then to form solids and vacuum and crap.

but after that, everything’s a big blur until we went out for dinner and movie. ate at montgoris, and james went to go play sports while i went to be a supernerd in the library, and ended up falling asleep and drooling on the table. ugh, so disgusting. i NEVER drool… or so i thought.. hahha, i didn’t know i slept with my mouth open… anyways, i wiped it up and went back to sleep. hahhahah.

ate pho with james, jane and kev… i never really liked pho, but maybe it was cos i didn’t give it a chance. today was pretty good, i kinda liked the noodles.. a lot. hahah… then watched 21, which was pretty good except for a slow middle. it made me want to go make a seven digit salary and live in amazing hotels in vegas and win 10,000,000 in a sitting. haha yea right.

so now i’m at home, hoping that my boo is okay and wondering if i could do anything to help him, but i can’t think of anything, so i’m mad at myself but still can’t think of anything, and am eating veggie crisps. and…

upcoming tests:
march 28 (friday) – cpp midterm
   – study cd and flashcards!
march 31 (monday) – theology test
   – read textbook pgs 67 – 105. read ezra and esther. look over notes. 
april 1 (tuesday) – calculus makeup test
  – study graphs. study limits. study freakin everything. write down many examples.
april 2 (wednesday) – philosophy paper (man as a motive)
  – make outline of chapter. kill it.
april 7 (monday) – philosophy test
  – go to prof few days before test. i have the notes but i don’t completely understand them…
april 8 (tuesday) – speech test
  – go over all notes
april 16 (wednesday) – philosophy paper #3 due
  – kill it!
april 17 (thursday) - chem test
  – kill self…

* study orgo!

i miss my boyfriend.
maybe it’s a bad thing i miss him already – it’s been less than 24 hours since i last saw him, but i miss his stupid face so much…
hey james… bogoshipdah…

anywayyss… i accomplished a lot today! i cleaned my room (90% clean now!), ate a lot, saw how fat i’ve gotten since the beginning of the year and am now seriously motivated to start working out and see results asap…

today’s to-do list
[  ] math hw (both of them!)
[  ] start re-studying for calc (test on thursday</3)

week’s to-do list
[  ] kill calc test on thurs
[  ] kill cpp test on fri

i slept at 2 last night watching this thing on youtube that simon sent me… about evolution vs creationism. it’s not as nerdy as it sounds! i was really into it for the first hour, and then i started to feel that some of the things he said wasn’t really… explanations or information, but more of sarcasm. all of his facts were bible based, which is really good, but because of that, i’m not sure if he can really persuade non-christians. he took the bible as a valid source, but of course atheists wouldn’t see the bible as a source at all…

then i woke up at 10 because i had to pee, even though i intended to sleep until like, 1.

anyways.
i think james is having an awesome time snowboarding, and i’m really happy that he’s having fun right now… i wish i was there with him, but at least i got to clean my room… uh yea. hahha.

james, if you’re reading this…
let’s go work out on sunday after church :/

to do list:
[   ] study ch 17,18,19 for chem lecture exam
[   ] study for chem lab midterm
[   ] do calc hw #9-11, fully understand #11!
[   ] find philosophy book, write paper on ch 3
[   ] study ch 18 for chem recitation
[   ] do chem lab
[   ] interview pharmacist for speech

tomorrow’s goal: try to complete at least 4 of those items tomorrow…
time to step my game up
and show the world what i got!

i was reading through my old diary from middle school and wow, i was such an angry girl. just reading about how i used to be was depressing, and i wonder if i would like myself if i traveled five years back in time. i had so many problems with my self-image and i wondered why i was made that way, and i felt deprived of life and just… really unloved. a lot has changed since then, and i’m glad that i’m not the same as i used to be. i think God really moved powerfully within the past few years to develop me… my family got a lot better too… i think everyone used to fight a lot. even though we still have disagreements, it’s not as bad… makes me thankful for what i have today.

i haven’t talked to dj a lot in the past few weeks and it was good catching up with him! i kind of forgot – or wanted to forget – the yg and their problems. no, i love them, but dj reminded me of just how immature some of the kids are. and he reminded me how much pdave sucks at preaching haha… he said that pjames preached today and it was awesome. man, i miss pastor james so much. he’s really a special person – i feel more peaceful when i’m with him, like everything’s going to be okay. you can really tell that he’s a man of God, and i respect that… there aren’t a lot of people like that nowadays… i really feel like i need to hear his words of wisdom and advice, but i know he’s busy…

i’m really stumped about what to do about the revival poster, haha. recapturing Your first love? the bible verse is from revelations, and everyone knows that revelations has a… end-of-the-world, dark, frightening, fire-and-brimstone kind of feel. i tried to do what sam suggested – a father’s hand holding a kid’s hand, and it comes out like a friggin kodak moment. it’s like hello kitty being a horseman of death. so i’m trying to go with gabby’s suggestion… i think it’ll be much more difficult, but it’ll come out nicer… half of the poster will have two figures (guy&girl) separated, kind of walking away from each other, maybe on a stormy beach or something, and the bottom half will have them united… it sounds good, right? but i was looking for images and i couldn’t find any… hopefully today will be better…

hey james…

if youre reading this…
thanks for protecting me and my purity until the time is right(:<3

i wanted to tell you that sometimes holding back is really tough… but i just gotta keep reminding myself that holding back is really one of the best ways to show you that i really love and respect you, and that i want to do what is right in His eyes…

jageeyah<3

i wish he would once in a while listen to what i have to say. instead of brushing me off, like i’m not even important enough to acknowledge. my mom tried to make things better and asked me to repeat it. i said forget it, and just continued to eat my breakfast.

this
always
happens

no, i cant say that… it’s gotten better…  but only when im with him alone in a closed surrounding… like the car, when he’s driving me home from work…

i dunno. i can’t focus on my speech. i don’t feel like doing anything. shitty mood. my cramps are starting. i feel like a different person.

wtf is wrong with me?

Everyone has problems. We have problems with our self-image and with our relationships with others. We have car problems, digestion problems, boy problems – nothing really happens exactly how we want them to happen. And sometimes, big problems happen as the result of our mistakes and misjudgments. And a lot of times, there are no real solutions that lead to everyone being happy. Usually, someone gets hurt.