happy birthday to me…
it’s 11 at night, and as always, i’m dead tired on monday nights after work. but today’s a different kind of tired, a kind of satisfied and content tired… i think i’ll definitely have good dreams tonight.
i think something i’m always scared about my birthday is finding out who actually cares… and who doesn’t. who makes the effort to make it a special day for me, and who just kind of nonchalantly shrugs it off. i think this was definitely one of the best years because i just felt so loved… from the hugs and birthday wishes and comments and the presents to the private messages and cards… wow. just… haha, i guess my birthday really started yesterday, when james really surprised me by bringing me to applebees (and making me close my eyes T_T) and dan and minna were sitting there! (and andrew came later) and it was okay that eric and joanne and jane couldn’t come ; just knowing that people actually cared and thought about me… was really touching…
and major props to my namj for putting that together(:<3 i love you hun!
and then today, i felt like a princess when my namj came specifically to pick me up to go to school… and although we had a hurried breakfast at montgoris it was really okay… even though i wasn’t in a waffle mood, i was happy i got to start off my day with him… and in philo i had a major food coma, which was really bad because note taking is very important in that class! owells! and then i had a little more james time, with a few other people, and i don’t know - i just really liked that everything was quiet and laid back, but i still felt special(: hahah eric yang and sarah e came in to the quiet room to sing me happy bday in weird high pitched voices….
and then jane took me out to lunch to a sushi place… it was really great to spend time with her again. i haven’t really talked to her since the middle of last semester, and i missed her a lot, but never had the balls to say much about it. i was just kinda hoping that she would feel the same way, and one day we’ll realize how we really feel for each other! haha(: but yeaa… it was really good to be with her again…
and then james and i went to get pinkberry before i had to go to work… and work was crazy hahah.. it was a completely different environment; and because it was so busy, it was also a bit hostile… but it got better by the end. and then i had dinner with my family and cake and stuff and that was veyr veyr interesting.. ahaha…. seoncheol got me baskets.. LOL…
and im tired and i dont feel like writing anymore or giving an amazing conclusion with a thoughtful metaphor
i had an amazing day even though i don’t have an amazing conclusion and thats good enough(:
i think…
i think i choose certain times to be sick. my nose flows like the freakin` nile river from 9 PM – whenever i sleep without choking on my mucus. hahah, great mental image right? but that’s been the least of my worries… i hate being uncertain! there are things that it’s alright to be uncertain about; what clothes to wear, where to eat, what kind of highlighter to use. then there are greater things – who your closest friends are, and then there are decisions to be made that’ll affect the course of your life forever.
i don’t think i’ve ever been so worried about my grades. it’s funny how all throughout high school, my only goal was to get into a good college. that’s why i volunteered and passed out water and ice at the hospital, why i studied so diligently for the SATs, why i spent so much time writing and perfecting my apps. but now that i’m actually in college, i feel the pressure to do well. haha, i thought i had this semester down. i thought that all i needed was a little effort and prayer to do well academically… i thought that was all i needed to do well, and then with james and God and friends and work, my life would be complete. haha, i guess God knows that i work better under pressure… and i guess He wants me to push myself and find new limits.
i know what He wants me to do, and i know that can go hand in hand with my profession. being a pharmacist means that i get to interact with people a lot… and lately i’ve been feeling that communicating with others is a talent that He gave me that i can really develop for His glory. i know it’s not going to be easy, and He’s not going to make college a breeze for me. i already feel stressed out by the workload and by certain people… and it’s only the second semester! but i just need to trust in Him and persevere and try my best… and He’ll provide for the rest. i’m sure of it!
babies r us
i think juno was the first movie i had seen that directly correlated with modern day issues. of course i saw superhero movies that deal with… you know… the age-old fight between good and evil, and chick flicks that really just tug at your heart strings, but i don’t think i ever saw a movie that really dealt with the here and now, that had situations that hit very close to home.
i don’t know why i wanted to see juno so badly; maybe it’s because no one else had any real suggestions, and all the movies that were currently out today sucked. the movie itself was pretty cute and juno was an endearing character who reminded me of a whole bunch of girls put together… kind of insecure, kind of awkward, but well meaning and witty… and her sense of style was something that was normal to see at my high school. i think she would’ve fit right in if she wasn’t “a planet.”
but i realized that some of the things she was going through was some things that others that are dealing with teenage pregnancy are going through right now… making that choice whether to abort and end it all, or suck it up and save a life… and being sick and telling parents and just living with the shame…
everything in that movie somehow related back to the unseen character that was hidden in the center of juno’s planet. isn’t it kinda crazy? if a girl that gets properly engaged/married gets pregnant, everyone gets together to smile and laugh and celebrate and throw baby showers and eat cake, but if that order gets messed up, the exact opposite happens. i’m not endorsing or supporting teenage pregnancy in any way – in fact, it’s something i didn’t really think about. it’s something i didn’t want to think about, because i felt that both sides had a point. i’m definitely pro-life, but there’s no doubt that having a baby at a young age is extremely difficult for both the child and mother… and father, if he chooses to stick around. it’s definitely tough. and props to any girl who decides to go through with it.
i don’t know why i’m still hurting over someone else’s decision. haha, isn’t it stupid? i think i’m more hurt than she is. just watching juno on screen… going through what she could have gone through, but didn’t… i was thinking about it today… i think she would have been in her third trimester right now, and her baby would definitely have fingernails. there’s no doubt that there wasn’t much i could have done, but knowing that it happened… ahhh i really don’t know why i’m so deeply pained by it… more than anything else that had happened… it’s not like i’m a stranger to sad stories. i know people that got stabbed, that stab, that sell weapons and drugs; i mean, i’m not acting like that’s not a concern, but this story…
is different…
maybe it’s just because i like babies…
heart to heart
we sat there on the swings, away from the bustle of the crowds. it was just us two dangling our feet carelessly on that quiet, clear and bright day – actually, no… now that i think about it, i think lydia and dj were with us around there somewhere, but well out of earshot.
how did we get there? i don’t remember. why was i with her? i don’t remember… i simply remember feeling a bit unsettled that i was alone with a girl who was the complete opposite of me. we had absolutely nothing in common – how was i going to start or continue a conversation with her?
but i didn’t have to worry; after a moment of awkward silence, the dam broke. she looked at me, and i could smell the heavy smoke that still lingered on her clothes after the secret stoge she took with her friends. i could’ve busted her there, commanded her to turn up her pockets, and that would have been the end of it… and the end of her. at that time, i was zealous enough to do it. but i didn’t… it didn’t seem important at the moment.
i don’t know why she picked me, of all people… there were plenty of others who probably could have sympathized with her. we led totally different lifestyles, and at times it was difficult for me to picture what she was going through…
she kept talking, kept pouring out her heart… our feet had stopped swinging a long time ago; she had my full attention. i knew she had problems – the whole world knew she had problems. from the way she talked and dressed, the way she acted, the people she was with and the way she was always, somehow, involved in or butted into drama – lots of people had issues with her.
and personally, i didn’t really care about her. she was just another hopeless case, a face that drifted in and out of church, who was there in body but not in mind or spirit. she wasn’t the only one i had to deal with. but the more she talked and opened up to me, the less she became a rumor, a statistic, and more a person – a living, breathing, loving and hurting soul.
i think that was an important turning point in our relationship. even after that we didn’t talk or chill that often, but whenever our eyes met, we’d feel that unspoken bond of love and trust. i can’t say that i was always there for her, and i had looked out for her through the good and bad times. at times, i regret it – i regret being so wrapped up in my own life and issues, that i hadn’t truly shown her the love and attention that she longed for all her life.
at the same time, i learned that i can’t be superwoman… there are many things in this world that i can’t change. it was such a frustrating yet humbling realization, knowing that if i truly want the best for someone, i have to let them go and let God…
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