why not?

i was reading through my old diary from middle school and wow, i was such an angry girl. just reading about how i used to be was depressing, and i wonder if i would like myself if i traveled five years back in time. i had so many problems with my self-image and i wondered why i was made that way, and i felt deprived of life and just… really unloved. a lot has changed since then, and i’m glad that i’m not the same as i used to be. i think God really moved powerfully within the past few years to develop me… my family got a lot better too… i think everyone used to fight a lot. even though we still have disagreements, it’s not as bad… makes me thankful for what i have today.

i haven’t talked to dj a lot in the past few weeks and it was good catching up with him! i kind of forgot – or wanted to forget – the yg and their problems. no, i love them, but dj reminded me of just how immature some of the kids are. and he reminded me how much pdave sucks at preaching haha… he said that pjames preached today and it was awesome. man, i miss pastor james so much. he’s really a special person – i feel more peaceful when i’m with him, like everything’s going to be okay. you can really tell that he’s a man of God, and i respect that… there aren’t a lot of people like that nowadays… i really feel like i need to hear his words of wisdom and advice, but i know he’s busy…

i’m really stumped about what to do about the revival poster, haha. recapturing Your first love? the bible verse is from revelations, and everyone knows that revelations has a… end-of-the-world, dark, frightening, fire-and-brimstone kind of feel. i tried to do what sam suggested – a father’s hand holding a kid’s hand, and it comes out like a friggin kodak moment. it’s like hello kitty being a horseman of death. so i’m trying to go with gabby’s suggestion… i think it’ll be much more difficult, but it’ll come out nicer… half of the poster will have two figures (guy&girl) separated, kind of walking away from each other, maybe on a stormy beach or something, and the bottom half will have them united… it sounds good, right? but i was looking for images and i couldn’t find any… hopefully today will be better…

hey james…

if youre reading this…
thanks for protecting me and my purity until the time is right(:<3

i wanted to tell you that sometimes holding back is really tough… but i just gotta keep reminding myself that holding back is really one of the best ways to show you that i really love and respect you, and that i want to do what is right in His eyes…

jageeyah<3

i wish he would once in a while listen to what i have to say. instead of brushing me off, like i’m not even important enough to acknowledge. my mom tried to make things better and asked me to repeat it. i said forget it, and just continued to eat my breakfast.

this
always
happens

no, i cant say that… it’s gotten better…  but only when im with him alone in a closed surrounding… like the car, when he’s driving me home from work…

i dunno. i can’t focus on my speech. i don’t feel like doing anything. shitty mood. my cramps are starting. i feel like a different person.

wtf is wrong with me?

Everyone has problems. We have problems with our self-image and with our relationships with others. We have car problems, digestion problems, boy problems – nothing really happens exactly how we want them to happen. And sometimes, big problems happen as the result of our mistakes and misjudgments. And a lot of times, there are no real solutions that lead to everyone being happy. Usually, someone gets hurt.

i feel so lost and confused and lonely
i don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong
i feel powerless to stop what’s coming
i feel like every path leads to a dead end
i feel like no one can help me

One of my problems is that I’m like a headless chicken when something goes wrong. I freak out and pace back and forth, I shut up and shut down until the problem is resolved or gets better. I know I do it, but I can’t help it. It’s really hard for me to maintain calm and rational thinking, and I often find myself drowning in anxiety. 

I used to be okay with this habit of mine because there were often times when I couldn’t do anything. I worried and fretted about things out of my control, and spent hours on the phone discussing the same points over and over. But now I find that I’ve been given the power to, at least affect the situation with my actions and words… or in some cases, with my silence and stillness. It’s difficult for me to accept this. I feel that I have to be more careful with the way I carry myself, with my words and my manners, because I realize more that everything affects everyone. I feel restrained, but at the same time I know that this has always been the way. I had always been careful when I was a kid with my attitude at church, knowing that I reflected my family. At times I felt a burden that no kid should bear… the need for me to keep my nose clean, out of fear that my dad would somehow be hurt as a result for any mischievous actions. But now I feel that it’s not just church anymore, and it’s not just my dad that I’m watching out for anymore. I love and cherish more people now, which makes sense, because I’m older now and have met many more people since those times. I understand that it’s impossible for me to really protect anyone from anything, but I would rather not hurt or discourage any of them. Some may not know that something can be discouraging to them and their walk in faith, and I may know… and I don’t know if they’ll understand if I steer them away from what I feel might be harmful to them, without really explaining why, because I feel that they would won’t take my reason as seriously as I think they should. I don’t know if they’ll understand that I’m doing it out of love…

And then there are people that I don’t love. I know it’s very hypocritical of me, especially because quite a lot of people see me as a super Christian – but I’m human. That’s not an excuse; it’s an explanation. I still don’t quite know how to deal with the people that I know I have to love and treat respectfully, but have no such feelings towards them. And then when they offend and insult me, it makes it that much harder to turn the other cheek. I keep repeating to myself, WWJD? And my conscience keeps urging me to be the bigger person and to love no matter what – look at yourself, you really are no better than she is, my conscience pleads.  

So I try to build a wall of patience that’ll block out everything annoying and stupid that she says in an attempt to at least tolerate her presence. I don’t have to be super Christian, but I might as well show her human decency. And then with one word, one action, one thoughtless and unnecessary comment, she smashes down the wall. She makes no effort to be considerate. I don’t know why; does she not see the need to change herself? Is it pride? Blinding arrogance? Stupidity?  

I don’t know what to do. I really want to just blow up on her, but… I don’t think God will be too happy with that. I understand that He has a higher calling for me, and if I can’t even deal with an annoying girl properly, then… what can I deal with? Life isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies… Oh Lord… give me strength. Haha.